Jumbles

Your child care center is closed this week. So I'm 'working' from home with you. I love that I have a job this flexible. I love that while you were growing inside me I could say things like 'I'll be on email until the nausea passes.'. I love my coworkers. That staff meetings include at least twenty minutes of personal updates. Most importantly I love what I do. Helping ladies like the ones who take care of you get their education and navigate the system.

Of course you heard the but 5 sentences ago.

I can't stand being away from you eight hours every day. Your father and I have almost figured out a morning routine with your milk and diapers and getting all three of us out the door. We have a pick up schedule. But in the end we get just 1-2 hours to revel in your wonderfulness (or crankiness, depending on the day).

Some days I'm so tired at the end of it all that I can't really revel. To tired to do anything other than shove food in my face, feed you, get us changed, say hi to your father and crash.

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This week has been great and horrible. I love being with you all day. I have gotten maybe one day of work done in the past 3.5.

There are so many things I want to do with you. Play group, story time at the library, boob group, spend the day laying on the floor....that's just now. Swimming lessons, exercise classes, the park and on and on.

We almost never have groceries because at the end of the day all I can think about is going to you. On the weekends it's either squeezing things into your nap time or dragging you out- which you generally dislike. So I do neither.

I don't even want to get started on pumping enough for you to eat.

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Realistically this is our life for the next 6 months. Your dad is at a new job. My boss and I worked hard to secure funding for my position. Aldo financially, with the 11 weeks without pay your dad took to bond with you, our bank account resembles my grad school days. Worse actually with the purchase of two cars and a house and paying back my brain. I'm proud that we've paid off the cars. Both in under 3 years. I know what we spend every month. I have no clue what your dad will bring in, though the prospect seems good.

So I'll keep working. Trying to figure out how to take care of my boys. And myself. Bringing home my salary and health insurance for you and I. Paying our bills and building our cushion, because worse than this crazy hectic day to day is better than not knowing how to provide for you.

3 months

Baby D,

I can't beleive you are 3 months old love. Actually 3 months and 3 days because between you, your father, work I haven't been able to get on a laptop until now. Oh, and Christmas.

We decided not to get you anything. I know. We suck. But you won't remember and we haven't introduced you to all of the toys that you currently own. I have a festive outfit and we'll call that a day.

I told your father I was happy without gifts because I have everything I want. Corny + sappy, but that's your mama. He on the other hand wants some presents. Not that he doesn't think you hung the moon. He just likes his toys. If you could land somewhere in the middle I'd appreciate it.

At exactly 12 weeks you realized that your hands are indeed under your control. My main tool to help you make the connection was my hair. Please don't make me regret this. (I realize it was idiotic, but a mama can hope right?) From around 7 weeks you've been facinated by my twists. A sure way to make you smile when you were starting to fuss was to dangle my hair in front of you. Then you started reaching. The day you turned 12 weeks you got the look of concentration, reach, connect and close hand routine down. I think you're still trying to figure out exactly how far you can reach, but if we keep it close enough you go for it.

In other 3 month old news you still hate the car/car seat. I tried to take you to a work thing the other evening and you literally did a back arch as I tried to put you into the car seat.

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this would be when you woke up. i tried again and you woke up again...

Milestones

Today was a big sad milestone for us- our first day away from each other. You are at a center that I spent a lot of time choosing. A place where I know you will be well cared for. But I spent a good part of today second guessing that decision. Maybe a nanny who could give you her undivided attention would be better. Or a home provider with fewer children. Or me being at home with you all day.

We had very specific reasons for not going with the first 2 and the bills have to be paid so it's where you'll be (unless I realize it's not a good fit at all). Doesn't mean I didn't hate leaving you.

Your awesome daddy came to both of our rescues though. We did drop off together as a family and when you started crying as I was leaving he stayed with you and helped your teacher understand your youness.

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On a related note you've made a few sleep breakthroughs. You're still sleeping with me (daddy is on the couch). Most nights you're sleeping in a reliable pattern, eating at 10, 1, and 4. You go back to sleep pretty easily after the 10 and 1 oclock feedings, but have decided that the world should get going at 4 am. Mama is not a fan. You and I have fought for the past 2 mornings, ending with me handing you over to your father. Yesterday after 2 hrs you gave in to the power of the swing and slept. Today you weren't having it. 4 hours later you were an overtired mess when we took you to childcare.

Some night's you're super nice and decide to skip the 1 am feeding. I've decided to give in to the fact that morning may start at 4- at least temporarily. I'm hoping that you'll start sleeping at school and it will shift your evening back an hour. Things I never thought I'd hope for: starting the day at 5.

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The hardest part about leaving you now is how fun you're becoming. Right now you're laying beside me on the green/brown blanket. You spend a minute or two sucking on your hand and then look around and get really excited. The hand thing started about 10 days ago. Sometimes you'll refuse the binky in favor of your hands. Dad claims you put your whole fist in your mouth, but I haven't seen it yet.

Excited involves lots of kicking and shaking your fist in the air. You make a sound just a few tones of from your I'm about to puke sounds. Kind of a heh-heh over and over. It's super cute.

You're getting into your toys, showing your excitement or cooing to them. We haven't gotten the cooing on tape yet, but I think it may be what I miss most about these early days. You will have five minute conversations with me, pausing and responding to the things I say. Always punctuated with lots of smiles.

Why haven't we gotten this recorded? Largely because you look at the camera like it's an alien. As often as I have it in your face you should be used to it, but no. I go to take your picture and your bewildered/confused face takes over. Good think I know how to coax your smiles.

There is so much more I want to tell you, but it's 9:12 and I'm beat. I also need to be prepared in case you are once again a fan of 4 am.