5

We're 5 months into this crazy journey. Five months of smiles, cries, wiggles and love.

You are finally out of 0-3 clothes. Like last week. I'll admit, I'm having a hard time saying goodbye to a few of my favorite outfits. Even though you're just moving up you have been putting on the pudge. At 4 months you got rubber band wrists and in the past few days your ankles have joined the party.

But underneath you are all muscle. You've always been strong, but your dad and I are realizing more and more how much trouble we're in for once you coordinate your arms and knees. Your teachers, grandma and anyone that has the pleasure of holding you gets a taste of your strength. Lunging out of our arms towards a toy, the TV, or even the daily activity sheet at child care is your favorite ways to display this strength. Most of the time you seem to understand this gravity thing and you grab on to a shirt or my hair to keep from falling.

On the movement front you're a bit of a tease. I've watched your turn from front to back and back to front. Multiple times on a variety of surfaces. But once you've done it once or twice you go on a strike for a while. I don't think you let your grandma see either in the week she was here. The one thing that will reliably get you roll is the TV. Two weeks ago you were sitting on my lap and got bored with looking at me. You craned your neck to double check that the tv was on and rolled off of my lap and into your stomach, chin propped on your arms to watch a bit of the news.

When it comes to sleep, the teasing becomes a bit of an annoyance. You sleep like a dream on your tummy. It's third to on me (like you are now) and with me. Once I know you can reliably flip yourself back and forth I'll let you sleep however you wind up. Until then I keep putting you on your back or side and you keep waking up. a lot. so much that I may have been too sleep deprived to write about your 4th month.

until this week where we got sick (and therefore weak) you've been sleeping in your crib. in short spurts, but there. all of our tactics (bed time routine, sound machine, the into the crib dance, holding your for 2 or 20 minutes after you fall out...)have failed us. you seem to understand when we're on the brink though. inexplicably you'll give us night with 3 hour stretches and we suddenly feel human again. if you're reading this as a teen I'd like to reinforce that last part. sleeping in 2-3 stretches of three hours puts us over the moon. because all of the other nights are so much shorter. good thing you're cute.

honestly, i wish we had a king bed so we could all pile in. but we don't. and your dad is scared you would never leave.

when you're awake and not tired you're an absolute dream. you love your toys as much as you have always loved people. you are still a total flirt. in your whole life there has only been one person who you wouldn't light up for- a waitress at a breakfast spot.

we're excited about you starting solids. and crawling. and continuing to see the little boy you will become.

Loosing Time

Twice in the past week I've lost my place in the space/time continuum.

The first was an epic fail as a daughter. My mom has a late January birthday. She was born in 1950, so it's always really easy math. Subtract 50 and you're all good. So one morning when I was feeling particularly on top of things I call my mom and ask how she feels about her approaching milestone birthday. She doesn't really celebrate birthdays, but there's something to be said for turning 60. Unless you turned 60 the year before and your idiot daughter can't remember that it's 2011.

The second instance also involves my mom. Hubby has a work trip so she's going to fly out for some grandbaby lovin and general daughter saving. The only hiccup in this plan is that my mom is a neat freak. She's in the 'my house looks like a museum camp' where my household is more of 'lived in' variety. Really lived in. It was like that before the sleep deprived, baby lovin, working full time state that is our life now...

So I made a plan to get things to the my mom can tolerate them point. Cleaning last weekend before my husband had friends over, a few minutes in each room in the evenings, the following weekend to dust/vacuum/mop, and then just keeping things maintained before she arrives the following Sunday. Except that middle weekend doesn't so much exist. My brain just created a weekend to get stuff done.

yeah

The bug is back

I'm a long time crafted, but during the first few months of Baby D's life sleep, food, and laundry kept me preoccupied. But the crafting bug hit hard a right around the start of the new year. So far vie sewn some wool longies, started knitting some wool shorties, hand sewn a stuffed bird, bought fabric and cut rectangles for my first ever baby quilt...and there's something that I'm not remembering. All of this during short nap times and punctuated early evening sleep.

Though I still have a lot in progress I'm off to my newest idea, making drool catchers (aka suck pads) for my mei tei. The baby carrier, not the beverage, though a mei tai would be tasty.

Crafting is just one more thing that work is interupting, but without it I'm not sure how I'd fund the addiction.

Triple crud

three days back to work and i caught the crud. then i gave it to the baby. a few days later. my husband rounded it out by catching his own version of the crud a few days after that.

i'm finally better, but the baby is not. he's snotty and stuffy. avoiding the bulb syringe has helped him hone his aim, backhand, and scream.

he also seems to be outgrowing his reflux meeds dose. the plan with his doctor was to try and maintain his dose as he grows as a way to wean him off. the acid in his stomach seems to disagree. the last few days he's been fussier when spitting up about half of the time and generally cranky. today when wiping up some spit up i noticed reddish orange flecks suspended in the yuck. so somewhere between his stomach and lips there's a little bleeding happening.

because fun comes in three's our boy is also gassy. and trying to pass gas makes him spit up.

dealing with the fussiness and general unhappy is no fun. though there isn't much i wouldn't do for him to feel good.

Jumbles

Your child care center is closed this week. So I'm 'working' from home with you. I love that I have a job this flexible. I love that while you were growing inside me I could say things like 'I'll be on email until the nausea passes.'. I love my coworkers. That staff meetings include at least twenty minutes of personal updates. Most importantly I love what I do. Helping ladies like the ones who take care of you get their education and navigate the system.

Of course you heard the but 5 sentences ago.

I can't stand being away from you eight hours every day. Your father and I have almost figured out a morning routine with your milk and diapers and getting all three of us out the door. We have a pick up schedule. But in the end we get just 1-2 hours to revel in your wonderfulness (or crankiness, depending on the day).

Some days I'm so tired at the end of it all that I can't really revel. To tired to do anything other than shove food in my face, feed you, get us changed, say hi to your father and crash.

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This week has been great and horrible. I love being with you all day. I have gotten maybe one day of work done in the past 3.5.

There are so many things I want to do with you. Play group, story time at the library, boob group, spend the day laying on the floor....that's just now. Swimming lessons, exercise classes, the park and on and on.

We almost never have groceries because at the end of the day all I can think about is going to you. On the weekends it's either squeezing things into your nap time or dragging you out- which you generally dislike. So I do neither.

I don't even want to get started on pumping enough for you to eat.

~~

Realistically this is our life for the next 6 months. Your dad is at a new job. My boss and I worked hard to secure funding for my position. Aldo financially, with the 11 weeks without pay your dad took to bond with you, our bank account resembles my grad school days. Worse actually with the purchase of two cars and a house and paying back my brain. I'm proud that we've paid off the cars. Both in under 3 years. I know what we spend every month. I have no clue what your dad will bring in, though the prospect seems good.

So I'll keep working. Trying to figure out how to take care of my boys. And myself. Bringing home my salary and health insurance for you and I. Paying our bills and building our cushion, because worse than this crazy hectic day to day is better than not knowing how to provide for you.

3 months

Baby D,

I can't beleive you are 3 months old love. Actually 3 months and 3 days because between you, your father, work I haven't been able to get on a laptop until now. Oh, and Christmas.

We decided not to get you anything. I know. We suck. But you won't remember and we haven't introduced you to all of the toys that you currently own. I have a festive outfit and we'll call that a day.

I told your father I was happy without gifts because I have everything I want. Corny + sappy, but that's your mama. He on the other hand wants some presents. Not that he doesn't think you hung the moon. He just likes his toys. If you could land somewhere in the middle I'd appreciate it.

At exactly 12 weeks you realized that your hands are indeed under your control. My main tool to help you make the connection was my hair. Please don't make me regret this. (I realize it was idiotic, but a mama can hope right?) From around 7 weeks you've been facinated by my twists. A sure way to make you smile when you were starting to fuss was to dangle my hair in front of you. Then you started reaching. The day you turned 12 weeks you got the look of concentration, reach, connect and close hand routine down. I think you're still trying to figure out exactly how far you can reach, but if we keep it close enough you go for it.

In other 3 month old news you still hate the car/car seat. I tried to take you to a work thing the other evening and you literally did a back arch as I tried to put you into the car seat.

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this would be when you woke up. i tried again and you woke up again...

Milestones

Today was a big sad milestone for us- our first day away from each other. You are at a center that I spent a lot of time choosing. A place where I know you will be well cared for. But I spent a good part of today second guessing that decision. Maybe a nanny who could give you her undivided attention would be better. Or a home provider with fewer children. Or me being at home with you all day.

We had very specific reasons for not going with the first 2 and the bills have to be paid so it's where you'll be (unless I realize it's not a good fit at all). Doesn't mean I didn't hate leaving you.

Your awesome daddy came to both of our rescues though. We did drop off together as a family and when you started crying as I was leaving he stayed with you and helped your teacher understand your youness.

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On a related note you've made a few sleep breakthroughs. You're still sleeping with me (daddy is on the couch). Most nights you're sleeping in a reliable pattern, eating at 10, 1, and 4. You go back to sleep pretty easily after the 10 and 1 oclock feedings, but have decided that the world should get going at 4 am. Mama is not a fan. You and I have fought for the past 2 mornings, ending with me handing you over to your father. Yesterday after 2 hrs you gave in to the power of the swing and slept. Today you weren't having it. 4 hours later you were an overtired mess when we took you to childcare.

Some night's you're super nice and decide to skip the 1 am feeding. I've decided to give in to the fact that morning may start at 4- at least temporarily. I'm hoping that you'll start sleeping at school and it will shift your evening back an hour. Things I never thought I'd hope for: starting the day at 5.

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The hardest part about leaving you now is how fun you're becoming. Right now you're laying beside me on the green/brown blanket. You spend a minute or two sucking on your hand and then look around and get really excited. The hand thing started about 10 days ago. Sometimes you'll refuse the binky in favor of your hands. Dad claims you put your whole fist in your mouth, but I haven't seen it yet.

Excited involves lots of kicking and shaking your fist in the air. You make a sound just a few tones of from your I'm about to puke sounds. Kind of a heh-heh over and over. It's super cute.

You're getting into your toys, showing your excitement or cooing to them. We haven't gotten the cooing on tape yet, but I think it may be what I miss most about these early days. You will have five minute conversations with me, pausing and responding to the things I say. Always punctuated with lots of smiles.

Why haven't we gotten this recorded? Largely because you look at the camera like it's an alien. As often as I have it in your face you should be used to it, but no. I go to take your picture and your bewildered/confused face takes over. Good think I know how to coax your smiles.

There is so much more I want to tell you, but it's 9:12 and I'm beat. I also need to be prepared in case you are once again a fan of 4 am.