Milestones

Today was a big sad milestone for us- our first day away from each other. You are at a center that I spent a lot of time choosing. A place where I know you will be well cared for. But I spent a good part of today second guessing that decision. Maybe a nanny who could give you her undivided attention would be better. Or a home provider with fewer children. Or me being at home with you all day.

We had very specific reasons for not going with the first 2 and the bills have to be paid so it's where you'll be (unless I realize it's not a good fit at all). Doesn't mean I didn't hate leaving you.

Your awesome daddy came to both of our rescues though. We did drop off together as a family and when you started crying as I was leaving he stayed with you and helped your teacher understand your youness.

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On a related note you've made a few sleep breakthroughs. You're still sleeping with me (daddy is on the couch). Most nights you're sleeping in a reliable pattern, eating at 10, 1, and 4. You go back to sleep pretty easily after the 10 and 1 oclock feedings, but have decided that the world should get going at 4 am. Mama is not a fan. You and I have fought for the past 2 mornings, ending with me handing you over to your father. Yesterday after 2 hrs you gave in to the power of the swing and slept. Today you weren't having it. 4 hours later you were an overtired mess when we took you to childcare.

Some night's you're super nice and decide to skip the 1 am feeding. I've decided to give in to the fact that morning may start at 4- at least temporarily. I'm hoping that you'll start sleeping at school and it will shift your evening back an hour. Things I never thought I'd hope for: starting the day at 5.

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The hardest part about leaving you now is how fun you're becoming. Right now you're laying beside me on the green/brown blanket. You spend a minute or two sucking on your hand and then look around and get really excited. The hand thing started about 10 days ago. Sometimes you'll refuse the binky in favor of your hands. Dad claims you put your whole fist in your mouth, but I haven't seen it yet.

Excited involves lots of kicking and shaking your fist in the air. You make a sound just a few tones of from your I'm about to puke sounds. Kind of a heh-heh over and over. It's super cute.

You're getting into your toys, showing your excitement or cooing to them. We haven't gotten the cooing on tape yet, but I think it may be what I miss most about these early days. You will have five minute conversations with me, pausing and responding to the things I say. Always punctuated with lots of smiles.

Why haven't we gotten this recorded? Largely because you look at the camera like it's an alien. As often as I have it in your face you should be used to it, but no. I go to take your picture and your bewildered/confused face takes over. Good think I know how to coax your smiles.

There is so much more I want to tell you, but it's 9:12 and I'm beat. I also need to be prepared in case you are once again a fan of 4 am.

on sleep

We're onto our third sleeping arrangement since you've come home. Sleep it seems, is not your thing. To be fair you have reason. The reflux I had during my pregnancy sucked. I can't imagine not being able to do anything about it.

We started you on Zantac on 10/25.

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at this point something pulled me away. First we tried the arms reach and snuggle nest cosleepers with mom and dad in bed. Then we moved to shifts. You downstairs with one of us while the other slept in bed. On a good night the downstairs person got some sleep while they cared for you, but really it was a crap shoot. Then I got over my fear of sleeping with you (after a few test maps supervised by dad). I hoped that all three of us would get better sleep, and to an extent we did. I have mastered sleeping without moving and usually wake up and get you eating before you cry. You wake to eat a few times and Generally go back to sleep. Unless it's 4 am. That is your witching hour. If I don't do things just right you're up for the day. Some days you're up at 5:30 other days it's 6:30.

While you and I sleep in bed your dad is on the couch. He comes up throughout the night to check on us. After years of me beating him up in bed he's still not quite sure how I keep it together.

Eventually this will have to come to an end, but I have to say I love waking up next to you. Also your sleepy baby sounds. Though I have to say- I miss sleeping under my heavy comforter...and your father of course.

Weeks 6-7

Boy do you keep me busy. In the best possible way. I'm not writing as much as i would like, but you seem to have an internal timer associated with me eating, picking up a laptop, or getting anything else done. Case in point, you just woke up...

Here are some of the things you love right now:

ceiling fans. we think you may like them more than us right now. when you're upset and we've covered the usual causes we try to get you to look at the fan. you smile your biggest smiles at the fan and coo away.

sunlit blinds.

our bedroom set.

the mirror. you stare so hard at the little boy looking back at you and that other version of your mom. it is my number one trick to settle you down during diaper changes. though sometimes you are so intent on looking at the reflections it makes your diaper changes challenging.

Things you don't like but do to yourself:

hair pulling

knocking your binky out

scratching

all three make me laugh. unless you've done it the third time in a row and are about to loose your mind. there are times when it seems like you're doing things on purpose, though you haven't quite mastered your hands and arms yet.

Weeks 4-5

Today you are 5 weeks and 2 days old. Daddy and I celebrated your 1 month birthday with whoopie pies (though we ate them a day early) and an argument about how to best meet your needs. Then we all took a nap together in our bed- one of the few places you're sleeping these days. It's probably more accurate to say you and I napped while daddy watched and then the two of you napped while I watched because we're scared to both fall asleep and roll over on you.

In the last week your reflux has hit an all time high. The only places you would sleep are the swing and on us. Out of desperation we bought you the FP Rock n Play Sleeper. Now you'll sleep 45+ minutes on something other than your sleepy parents if we do it just right. This involves getting everything perfect- clean diaper, feeding you, giving you time to spit it up, and letting you sleep on our chest for at least 30 minutes. Then we gingerly put you in the sleeper, cover you in a warm blanket, say a prayer, and spin around 4 times. You've gone as long as 3 hours, which after days of 30-45 minutes not on us seems like a lifetime.

Though we don't love the lack of sleep (biggest understatemnt of the century) it's been killing me to see you in pain. More and more spitting up between meals makes you cry and make this sad and the spitting mad face. The faces are adorable. If I could figure out how to capture them without delaying making you feel better I would in a second. Tomorrow we start you on Zantac because on Saturday you spit up blood.

Saturday was also the start of a new phase that I'm loving. At exactly 5 weeks you started cooing. After our early am feeding you spit up, looked around the nursery and started cooing. They are the happiest sounds that you give me for 5-10 minutes a few times a day. You are more vocal in general- letting us know in no uncertain terms when you're unhappy. The other big change is in your vision. I'm not sure how far you can see in detail yet but light/shadow/contrast up to 6 feet away has you absolutely captivated. Daddy has found that you're also intrigued by the fridge, stove and dishwasher.

I missed a week 3 update. You have been keeping me busy, I re-injured myself after feeling pretty good, and grandma and I were trying to get a lot done. I've been working on your first sewed garment, we made you a few more diapers, and tackled all sorts of things around the house.

You are growing so quickly I can hardly stand it. One day last week while I was nursing you my hand fell asleep under your head. We're still feeding you on demand and (like your mama) you have no discernible schedule. Everyone tells me it will eventually even out and I hope you will comply.

I still think you're the best baby ever, though in the past week or so you have definitely found your voice. You have decided that the best place to sleep is sprawled across someone. Mom, dad, grandma- you really don't care as long as there is warmth, a heartbeat, and some breathing. I love to snuggle with you so this is great, until I need to sleep or get something done. If we put you down on another surface (your crib, cosleeper, snuggle nest, etc) you're fine for 2-5 minutes. Then you stretch and wake yourself up. You cry like we're pulling you apart and then give us a dirty look.

Other things that induce dirty looks- taking more than 2 minutes to get milk in your mouth once you've made yourself clear, changing your diaper and/or clothes and some of daddy's more vigorous play moves. Thankfully we don't get the attitude with each of these activities every time. And honestly your dirty looks are super cute.

Your father continues to be over the moon in love with you. He fights with me for you and is always happy to change your diaper (though he will exclaim about it's state for a while). He loves to play with you- though i usually think he's a bit rough. I've had to let him know a few times that you're not a puppy.

A week ago you also started doing the he scariest thing ever. You spit up stomach acid (or occasionally spit up) that comes out your mouth and nose. It clogs your airway, you give the most pitiful cry, and more of it keeps bubbling out of your mouth. We have to pull out the aspirator- which you HATE- and suck out your nose, occasionally your mouth. It takes about 5 minutes for your breathing to go back to normal and the whole time my heart is in my throat. Daddy has been talking about transitioning you to your crib, but I don't like the idea of you in a room by yourself when this happens. Mainly because during the first minute it sounds like your general waking up grumblings. I want us as close as possible until you grow out of this phase. For all of our sakes I hope you grow out of this quickly.

The only request I really have is for you to be ok sleeping on other surfaces, particularly the cosleeper. Other than a few naps your father and I haven't been able to sleep in bed together since day 2, or in more than 4 hour chunks. That and it's not safe for us to sleep with you on us. The only other place you will sometimes sleep is the swing, which i just don't love.

Week 2

I haven't finished your week 1 post because you've kept me so busy-but here are my thoughts for week 2.

You were such a good sleeper week 1. What happened? I realize it's developmentally appropriate but as I'm sure you'll come to realize, mama loves her sleep. Your dad and I are tag teaming the nights. I go to bed on my own between 8-10. Daddy stays up with you until sometime between 2-4, whenever in there you need to eat. Then I get you for the rest of the early morning. You usually wake up in the 5 o'clock hour and together we head downstairs for food (you) and tv (me).

The past 2 nights you've been really fussy so you and I have spent our part of the night in the recliner, me half way reclined, covered with a sheet on my lower half, you laying on my chest. I know this is a bad habit.

Like your parents, you like to eat. Most of the time I have to pull you off because if you had it your way you would sleep, sucking every 3-5 minutes, with my breast in your mouth. As a result you've been chunking up. You have the cutest little double chin and your stomach is expanding. All of a sudden my hand is falling asleep under your head when you nurse.

You've been having some stomach trouble so we've been trying gripe water for you. I'm a little crazy about the bottle you can use (breastflow) so you keep breastfeeding. The first day you had a little trouble, but daddy also had some technical difficulties so you may have just been pissed off. You take the bottle just fine from me, which amazes most people.

My favorite thing about breastfeeding you (other than the health stuff) is the expressions and milky smiles. Your expressions are great all of the time, but watching your face change as you get *SO* excited when you see me pull out my breast, to determination/sternness as you get going, relaxation and fluttery eyes once the hindmilk kicks in, and if I'm lucky a huge smile (nipple still in your mouth) when you're done.

You are feistier, your vision has improved and you love the living room ceiling fan. You're more vocal.

We couldn't love you more.

Dear Baby D

8 days ago you can shooting into this world- a little to quickly for mommy and daddy after having us wait 8 days. In our family we don't often do 'normal,' and you seemed to embrace this with your entrance. The front passenger seat of daddy's car, based on his telling, is a horrible mess. Despite the towel I thought to lay down ahead of time all of the liquid and goo associated with birthing you is everywhere. Grandma is obsessed with closing my purse. Usually this annoys me, but I'm thankful that she did that morning. The last thing I noticed as they moved me from the car to a stretcher was vernax all over the purse.

Since your somewhat crazy arrival you have been a wonderful baby to have. On our first night home you wanted to cluster feed for hours which made me a little batty. In the past day you've started waking, crying inconsolably half the time. Other than these two blips you have been the most perfect baby.

You crying inconsolably is shocking to us- largely because you don't really cry. If it takes me too long to get my breast to your mouth once you've indicated you're hungry and diaper/clothing changes are the only time we hear you cry. Otherwise you fuss in thankfully distinctive ways, letting us know what you need.

When it's time for your to eat and I've gotten us both positioned you get so excited you don't know what to do with yourself. You turn your head as far as possible, mouth open like a baby bird, going back and forth. Your hands get in the action also, flying around your face, often knocking my breast out of the way. In your more excited moments I sometimes have to get daddy or grandma to hold your hands out of the way.

During the day when you're awake you are generally content. You look around, taking in your surroundings. You are content in the bouncer or in one of the many pairs of hands that can't wait to hold you. Your father, who couldn't be more in love with you, often comes to me when I'm holding you and steals you away. Sometimes I get irritated, but I love watching him love you.

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At about this point you decided you needed to eat. Though I spend hours on my iPod each day (tracking your feedings, googling how to make you feel better, reading blogs/baby center once you've closed your eyes but are still nursing) I don't get much time on the computer. Between eating, feeding you, sleeping, and spending time with grandma and your father I have very little time for typing. Also, once I put anything in my lap (computer, breast pump, book) you decide it's time to eat.

During your first week you loved your binky. I planned on waiting until you were 2 weeks to introduce (because that's supposed to be best) but after 4 hours of cluster feeding on your first night home mama gave in to the beautiful silicone. You're still eating just fine, though occasionally we have to relatch.

You have no apgar scores because by the time anyone thought to take them it was to late. That, and your birth time is a guestimate. I'm kicking myself for not speaking up and making it a cooler time.

Honestly your first and second weeks are running together. I can see a marked change in you and am glad I went a little crazy on week one photos. Everyone things you're gorgeous by the way.